what Al Gore should have said at the Oscars

Al Gore gave two short speeches at the Academy Awards ceremony on Sunday, one given before his film won for Documentary. Both speeches were obvious panderings to the Hollywood crowd, who now seems to be completely at peace with his wife Tipper. Many people will remember that Tipper railed against the music industry back in the 80's and formed the Parents' Music Resource Center. I'm sure Frank Zappa recalls those days fondly.

Calling the global warming threat a "moral issue," Gore said, "We have everything we need to get started, with the possible exception of the will to act. That's a renewable resource. Let's renew it."

What he should have said, specifically to the Hollywood crowd, was this:

My fellow wealthy Americans:

It is truly incredible to think of the amount of money represented in this hallowed room tonight. Why, George Lucas' bank account alone could fund the energy bills of entire countries for years to come, to say nothing of the piles of dough belonging to his pal Spielberg. So, just imagine the collective wealth of everyone here. It's really quite stunning.

It's also stunning to think about the amount of living space many people in this room occupy, especially those of you who are seated down front. Why, I was just reading in a recent copy of Architectural Digest about someone's house - no, I won't name who it is, even though I see the person here tonight - having 10,000+ square feet. And this person is the only one who lives there! And (s)he has an apartment in New York, too!! Can you just imagine the energy consumption?

What if we all committed to living in smaller houses, which would take much less energy to power and to heat? What if we had no more than, say, 3,000 square feet of living space? What that be enough for you? Now I know that this would mean that some of you would have to sell off some stuff - but, hey! You could give the money to environmental causes, to show that you're genuinely committed to my film!

And I know that some of you would have to live in "normal" neighborhoods with "ordinary" people living next to you. And some of you are concerned that the paparazzi would have easier access to you. I admit that's a concern for my friend Leo here, but some of you? Seriously, who cares about a picture of Alan Arkin mowing the grass, or Meryl Streep grabbing the paper in her bathrobe?

If you're truly concerned about the environment, be willing to make big changes yourself. Don't just expect those everyday Americans watching us right now to do it for you. And when you come to next year's Oscars, don't rent out some limo - carpool in a Prius!

Thank you. And good - I mean green - night!